my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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