I think I am morally bankrupt
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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