I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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