I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
