Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We had to coat check the pizza.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
