there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
