i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
