woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
