i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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