the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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