if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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