i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
