It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize