Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
