everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
