Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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