I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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