I wish my penis had an off switch
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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