my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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