My friends, they love my intelligence
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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