wat bout pragnant strippers??
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
