I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
