I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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