I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
