words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize