its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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