my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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