drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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