giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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