I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
