apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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