I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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