I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
