hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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