ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
