my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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