I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
sick fucks of a feather flock together
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
