I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
