If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
