my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He shit in the fireplace
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
