Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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