Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
