those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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