she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
