8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
