I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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