it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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