I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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