Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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