This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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