Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
