This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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