Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
