I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
