Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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