I'm going to jail i love you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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