I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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