Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
