im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
